I remember not wanting another child. I loved Chase so much. I didn’t think there was time, room, or energy in my life to love something else this way. I remember thinking I would feel sorry for this baby that I would never love as much as my first. Even through my pregnancy, there wasn’t time to plan and get excited the way
I did when I was carrying Chase. The guilt had begun before I was even pregnant. Then I had Sawyer. And life was hard. Chase was such an easy baby, I thought I was just really good at this! Clearly those two books I read while I was expecting Chase were the right ones! But those books didn’t work with Sawyer- the twenty-seven other “how to be the best mom ever” books I read after Sawyer sucked too. It was hard. Harder than anything in my life had ever been. But, through it, my boys made me smile. And they made me laugh so much! And while there were still tears (more from me than them), it was how we became a family. It’s why those bonds are so strong. Sometimes, when I was too tired to mother a new baby or toddler, Chase helped. They are older now and they don’t need me as much. Some days, I am actually bored. That would have sounded lovely 10 years ago. But, now it makes me kinda sad. I am going to plan the best summer while I still have both of my guys here. Chris can come too.